I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
