Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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