He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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