I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
