why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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