Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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