Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
