everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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