I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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