I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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