My underwear smells like fireworks.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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