PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Welp...herpes.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
