I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
