By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
