Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We are two peas in an std pod
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
