May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
