Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
