just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
