u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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