Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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