i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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