Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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