i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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