How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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