And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
