I'm lost and stupid without you.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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