return my video game
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
