I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
