Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
