Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
