no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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