what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
