On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
