tell your sister to shave her snatch
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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