Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
