Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
