oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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