I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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