I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
