really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
