Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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