I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
