Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
