Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
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