I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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