I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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