We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
