I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
