just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
