Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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