Sry I called you an 8
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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