he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
