Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
