this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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