i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
