I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
