So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
