just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
