I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.