Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket