She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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