Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
