Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
